Its been, well ya know.
I haven’t felt completely happy for weeks now. It’s been a month +days. It’s just that feeling of loss, feeling of never being loved again. I flirt and fill the gap with attention from guys, though I know that’s not what needs to be done. I feel ashamed when I look at myself because I know I failed him and I know I failed his family. I never feel good enough anymore. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling that my tummy and gut makes when I think about him. I cry every time I see pictures of us, but I can’t get myself to delete them because they are a memory I want forever. I don’t know why I put myself through such stressful situations dealing with him, it’s going to cause me to have a heart attack. I get so worked up about the past that I know I can’t change. I’ve just never felt so hurt. I thought I’d be over it by now, but I’m not. My friends don’t help. I like to talk about it because it reminds me that I’m not the only bad guy and it reminds me of the nasty words that exited his mouth and slapped me in the face. My friends just don’t realize that. It helps me realize I’m better off..for now atleast. I miss just so much. I miss his family more. I miss his dog most of all. I want to get a job to pay him back for everything he ever done for me. I want to show him I’ve changed. I’d change even more for him if that’s what he wanted. I feel ugly and fat and useless. People complimenting me only makes it worse. I need a him. He’s my other half. I’m not complete without him. I want to give him the world and more. All the stars and the unknown galaxies though I know, at this time, he wouldn’t appreciate it. I gave him everything I had at the time. I have nothing for my future romance. Nothing. I feel no one will love me or be able to deal with my bullshit like he did. He was a knight. He handled everything I dealt out to him. I feel I’ll never be a girl anyone wants. I need someone sassy, just like me. A nice guy deserves someone better, but when I tell them that, they never speak to me again. I loose in every situation. My life isn’t busy enough anymore. I’ve learned so much with him and I’m starting to believe that over time, I’ll forget it all. That’s what is eating me inside. I love, and will love him forever. There’s no doubt it my head. I don’t care what anyone has to say, fuck you negative shits. It makes me laugh when people say, “oh I love him/her! they are the one :)” then when they break up, they have a new boyfriend or girlfriend within the week. Fucking losers. You make me sick, but also laugh at the same time. People like that are jokes and I make fun of people all the time for it. Once you feel pain, you’ll know the feelings were true. this is the only way I could think of to get this all out of my system because I know the internet can’t talk back to me. thank you interweb :)
